I just realized I missed a complete year writing in here. It's like a mental black out where there are no stories or memories, which also means that nothing existed for the time spent there.

2018 has been an emotional ride (tbh as per every year),  however, the last year spent was different. I'm different. This whole time-wrap has made me different.

I functioned differently.

I see things differently, it's like on certain levels, I'm no longer the same person I was and yet nothing has change.

Every year I'd take my time to recap on what the year has brought me but this year I can't. I can barely phantom the remaining feelings I have to call it whole. I keep struggling and fighting the anxiety that's been fueling up inside me.

Some days I don't even win. I just stay in there hopeful that I'll ever make it out alive.
Most days, I'm not sure what is going on.

My mental health for 2018 has been the crucial breaking point of my existence.

2018 was a painfully nonchalant year for me, emotionally exhausting.

I have yet to do my video recap, so that is that.
Don't think I'm actually going to touch it for another couple of months.

Overall, I think 2018 is like, the 19-20 year old phase, where it's just a buffer period. You are legal to start your life as an adult (driving, buying alcohol, getting into clubs, buying cigarettes) but you're not quite a complete adult yet.

Ah well.

Either way, I wish everyone a better 2019.

May 2019 be a year of  realization, where we find out what we really want.

Salud







The feeling of being a disappointment, you try, you try and try and try but nobody sees how hard or how much you do. In the end, people leave you because like they all say.

You are indeed, too tiring to love.

2nd quarter into the new year, can I even call it the new year anymore? On a side note tho, I had a really really good week for the beginning of April. I had bliss, a sense of belonging a sort of epiphany, I haven't felt in awhile. It wasn't anything major but a feeling of being whole again. Before my brains messed it up of course, whats new right.  - I'm going to address this one last time to myself and to you (I know you still read this). Don't tell me to love myself, when you once swore to fix me yet left me hanging because well, humans. Don't tell me I'm attention seeking when all I did was put myself out there for you. You wanted some sort of alliance didn't you. Since you guys are so tight right, do you want me to burst the bubble for you? I won't because I'm not you. Dimming another's light doesn't and will never make your light shine any brighter. It's sad and pathetic, really. 
I do admit, I often, well more than often mess up my own life with unfathomable decisions and choices. I'm not a saint but I know my limits and correct them when I screw up. This is what life is about, experiencing and correcting. I'm trying to be a better person, believe it a not. I try really hard. Ok this a whole new topic with no relevance to my original thought so I'm going to stop myself now.
Urgh. 
All these bottling up is driving me crazy. 


I need to get my shit together, pronto. x







More than often you think you're the only one with a story, a broken heart, an unfinished business, if only you opened your eyes to see that there's a lot more going on than your little sob tale, you'll understand what I mean.

I choose to believe the good in people not because I think they deserve it but I think they might be facing something bigger than I can comprehend. Everyone has secrets, every story has two sides to it, so if you could open your heart a little bigger before you jump to conclusions and judge them for the side that you see. Maybe, just maybe, life will be a little kinder all around.

With the recent spate of events, Its has dawn on me that people I thought I knew weren't exactly who they claimed to be. A brother, a friend, an acquaintance, all these human connections/relations could change at a snap of a finger. I don't blame anyone in particular for any of the fall outs nor the mistakes we make. After all, we are all humans and mistakes are inevitably, inevitable.

To learn and correct is what matters. If we were to sentence a death penalty every time someone does you wrong, I'm afraid there might not be anyone left in the end.

Ultimately, I think loneliness drives people crazier than death.




"Empty"

I can't handle these pressures
All I can say is this stress hurts
Things are supposed to get better
I just need to put myself first
I'm always trying my hardest
Not to pick myself apart, this
Energy's killing my vibes now
Sometimes I just wanna drown out
All of the thoughts in my mind
Too much going on at the same time
I wish it would stop and I've tried, but
Life just sucks then we all die

That's just reality, yeah don't lie to me
Yeah I'm fucked up but I don't wanna be

I wonder if I'm good enough
But maybe I've just had too much
To drink, to smoke, to swallow
I'm drownin' up my sorrows
There's rules I'll never follow
Pretend there's no tomorrow
I wish there was no tomorrow

But I'm empty inside, yeah I'm empty inside
And I don't wanna live but I'm too scared to die
Yeah I'm empty inside, I just don't feel alive
And I don't wanna live but I'm too scared to die

Wish I could erase my memories
So I could stop feeling so empty
I wish this shit wasn't so tempting
But it's hard to resist when there's plenty
Of things I could do to fuck me up
I wanna let go but I'm feeling so stuck
So all I can do is fill up my cup
And sit here alone hoping no one disrupts

That's just reality, yeah don't lie to me
Yeah I'm fucked up but I don't wanna be

I wonder if I'm good enough
But maybe I've just had too much
To drink, to smoke, to swallow
I'm drownin' up my sorrows
There's rules I'll never follow
Pretend there's no tomorrow
I wish there was no tomorrow

But I'm empty inside, yeah I'm empty inside
And I don't wanna live but I'm too scared to die
Yeah I'm empty inside, I just don't feel alive
And I don't wanna live but I'm too scared to die

My body's shakin'
My head is achin'
It feels like my heart is breakin'
My body's shakin'
My head is achin'
I can't fix this mess I'm makin'

But I'm empty inside, yeah I'm empty inside
And I don't wanna live but I'm too scared to die
Yeah I'm empty inside, I just don't feel alive
And I don't wanna live but I'm too scared to die

I'm barely breathing anymore. This escape that I've been seeking comfort in, this four letter word that I've been abusing, this dream I've been yearning, how can it hurt so much. I knew it was too good to be mine, as always, I destroy everything, walking epidemic of chaos and sadness.

How can "nothing" hurt more than "everything" else.






You, like many of us, became one with the broken souls.

Everyone torn by the decisions we make, by life, by mistakes. Pity really, that your wings are now too heavy to allow you back up to the heavens. I just wanted you to know tho, it's okay, it's okay to mess up, to give yourself another chance out here. It's a cold and cruel world, for what you have given to everyone you met probably meant way more to them, one way or another, more than you can ever understand.

My angel with the broken wings, I hope one day you can free yourself from this, from this cynical and cruel place.




How did I get myself suck into your manipulative world, time and time again.
The end so complicated, so precise, so distinctive, this time I  want to move forth without a second glance of returning to your arms, the past.  So ungratified, so shallow, so you.

If you loved me the way you claim you did, you would have fought for me when no one else would, you would hold me tighter with each push I distance myself away from you. Sadly, you didn't and this time, I'm gone, for good.

Oh my complicated little mind, what have we been up to. Time is passing way too fast, third month of the year, half way through the last segment of the first quarter. Where did all the time go? These time well spent isn't exactly be a waste of time right.

I'm back on medication again, I hate this feeling, I hate the feeling of being unable to show how I feel, unable to describe how I feel, unable to break down because... just because.

For awhile now, I've ran out of words, ran out of thoughts. For maybe perhaps, I met someone, who feels like summertime yet dark like  a cold winter night. The exchange of thoughts, of loving, never came out easier. Still, who knows how long this lasts.

Everything is about the moment, in the moment with you.

Never knew it was this fun dancing with the devil, prancing in his playroom of shadows. Could it be possible, there is after all someone's demon who matches mine?



Did I mention, I've been so in love with Lauv lately.
Almost as much as I love you, for now.


"Breathe"

I've watched those eyes light up with a smile
River in the not good times
Oh, you taught me all that I know

I've seen your soul grow just like a rose
Made it through all of those thorns
Girl into the woman I know

And it's killing me, me to say "I'm fine," "I'm fine"
When I really mean, mean to say..

You're my all and more
All I know you taught me, yeah
You're my all and more
But I need room to breathe, yeah

I found New York laying in your arms
We'll melt into the bedroom floor
Never knew I'd stay for so long

And this truth cuts not through one, but both
Not through one, but both of us
But it's deeper if I hold on

And it's killing me, me to say "I'm fine," "I'm fine"
When I really mean, mean to say..

You're my all and more
All I know you taught me, yeah
You're my all and more
But I need room to breathe, yeah

Gotta breathe for me, it's now or never
Gotta breathe for me, it's now or never

I should leave, 'cause you deserve better, better

Gave my all and more
But I need room to be me

You're my all and more
All I know you taught me, yeah
You're my all and more
But I need room to breathe, yeah

Breathe
Breathe

goodnight, X

Funny how things always take a turn when you least expect them. I thought we had it right, I thought we were impeccable, the right person at the wrong time? Maybe in my parent's eyes, maybe in the world's eyes, still, what world when all these time you have merely been a ghost. I'm sorry for my imperfections, I'm sorry for constantly not being able to be who you want me to be.

This world, a war zone.




Cleaning the specks of dust I've left to accumulate over the time I was gone, busy with whatever might have been. To be honest these days are passing so fast I barley grasp the memory of anything, everything feels like a blur.

Maybe it's the medication, maybe it's my mind overworking the possibilities and destruction I've been providing myself with. Lately it feels like I've lost a friend along the way of getting my shit together. The story of who we are or rather what we were has taken a toll and like all good things, it came to an end.

We used to have this connection, or at least for awhile I really believed so. I thought he was different, like he could be my best friend and we could work out the platonic value of "us". We could talk about almost anything under the sun, the car rides, the mini escapades. Unknowingly tho, I triggered what every platonic feared, love. It wasn't the love that shook us really, I made it clear from the start where I was and the position I was in. He understood and graciously stood by my side through my entire chapter of tragic love.

However the mere thought of possession. The thought of wanting someone more than they can give, to grant that person the right to wreck your world, to expect and take the other for granted was probably the only explanation I can give of this defective friendship.

Friends can break your heart too.

I don't know how to make things right, or rather, I don't know whats right anymore. You, if you're reading this, I hope you are well. I'm sorry we never worked out.

I've been giving it a lot of thought lately, and I realized for the year of 2017 I didn't set any exact resolution for the new year. Yet in the past two weeks of the new year I've already had mini accomplishments and well,made mistakes that I'm not proud of. Relapse of the past break downs aren't exactly new year friendly. I humbly apologize.

However still, after keeping myself home for the past 40 hours I have derived in a conclusion, to make my new year resolution. I am going to devote 2017 into a year for working hard on my career. In the last two weeks I have more than one person giving me pep talks about how I should chase my dreams.

I think that's why I wanted to cling on, because in your eyes, that dedication, that motivation. That's power but obsession becomes a weakness and weakness becomes a lost cause. With that I have to stay strong and cut out the supply and make myself strong.

I have always been a passionate person, just without a passion. Like I'm constantly giving 149737 percent into whatever I'm doing but I never actually set out a goal or like what I want. I just do merely because I have and maybe that's why I never go far. So this year, 2017 for a change, I'm going to work way harder on my dreams and basically saving more money. Cause I know (a bit too soon butttt) 2018 is going to be a crazy adventure.

That's right, 2018 Tomorrowland I AM COMING FOR YOU.

From now, till then I will work harder on improving myself, find a better job, start making smarter choices for life. Anyway, heading to +66 with S tomorrow and I'm stoked. What a better way to start a new chapter than an adventure.

2017, lets do this.

Woah, two in a row huh. Maybe its the weather making me emotional or maybe it's just you that keeps prancing in and out my mind like mini flash backs which I refuse to allow myself to reminisce or or maybe it's just the old letters that I've dug out whilst packing up my study making myself cringe at the said emotional span.

Generally, I love letter writing, I love how each words come together to impart an emotion, a theory, a story. In my eneds when someone give me a hand written letter it truly means, " I really give a shit". In this modern day who will have sheets of paper or pen  lying around their study, everytime when I ask my friends to write me something this is the NO.1 excuse, I have no paper at home. So fair enough to say, I don't think people generally keep pen and paper around. The amount of effort for one to even stop their daily hustle just to sit down and pen down anything, I'm pretty sure it's taxing. We have been adapted into this world where every form of communication remedies into a text/email.

It's not a bad thing tho since it's a much faster mode of communication but being able to have the privilege to re-read these letters and thinking about the effort these people took to write to me really warms my heart up.

Day 2/365, the word of the day is contented.

Happy new Year!!!!

I didn't do my yearly reflection for 2016 because 2016 well, as much fun and as it was amazing. I got in touch with my self more than ever that meant alot of emotions which cannot be bound to words. I made AMAZINGGGGG friends in 2016, travel, ate, gave, learnt so much in 2016 and basically all in all.  I think I'm ready to take down 2017.  Till then. X

Two more months to 2017 and I cannot apprehend how much I've accomplished through the past year or rather how much have I not done (the endless bucket list add ons). I'm stuck in a realm delusion of both weighing the pros and cons of my doings.

I don't really know what I am doing sometimes and this feeling bites me right into my soul. If I try hard enough, monachopisis is the closest word I can find to describe my emotion as of now.The things that I speak of wanting and the actions I took to accomplishing it. It's nothing more than a spectrum of unforeseeable steps of uncertainty in my later days.

Time and time again I amuse myself with my incompetency.

I probably plan too much and do too little. Urgh, I think I'm just exhausted and I probably should sleep all these emotions away. Goodnight my little kittens, thank you for being a part of my life, even the speck of dust I refuse to claim back of being. I thank you for being part of it all.

This chapter that I somehow went to recap, the emotions, the anguish. I need to put an end to it.

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